Constant Commentary

It all started with a Cinnabon at the Charlotte Airport. I couldn’t resist.  I hadn’t had one in probably 15 years, and the novelty of it got the best of me.  As I ate my ooey, gooey pile of cinnamon, frosting, and barely cooked dough, I offered Lonnie a bite, which he accepted, and then immediately regretted and said, “You are going to regret eating that thing.  That is disgusting.  You are going to be a mess and be whining to me any minute that you don’t feel well.”  I rolled my eyes. After our snack, we headed to the gate to wait for our plane.  Panic ensued as we realized that our phones were still on Mexico time and had our flight not been delayed, we would have missed it.  Even with the delay, we just made it in before they shut the doors.  I think the panic and adrenaline from that was the next nail in my coffin.  Next nail… we sat idling on the tarmac for a loooooong time.  As I sat there feeling the plane rumble and idle, my stomach began to do the same.  I was uncomfor

As I mentioned before, when I saw the photos of myself on Jessi's graduation day, I was horrified at the weight I had allowed myself to balloon up to.  Even though I knew the numbers on the scale were getting larger, I somehow managed to bury had my head in the sand and ignore it all. But on that day, I vowed to myself that I would NOT look at photos of the day I dropped Jessi off at college and feel the same way.  I vowed I would NEVER look at photos and feel that way again.  I have lost 20 pounds since that day.  I am a huge fan of instant gratification, so I wish I could say it was more, but I'll take it because damnit,.... I HAVE EARNED IT. Lonnie and I are still going strong on our new way of eating.  I can't really call it low-carb, or paleo, because it's really a combo of the two.  Our focus is no breads, pastas, stuff like that.  And no processed foods.  Except diet caffeine-free soda.  Just can't give it up.  Maybe someday.  And we have one ch

Everything I do the past couple days feels like "the last time I...." This is the last time I will buy Jessi Almond milk. This is the last time Jessi will be able to come to yoga with me. To Sean, "Next weekend when you come home from Dad's, it will be just the 3 of us." I realize that none of those things are probably true.  She will be home in the summers, and for breaks, but it will be different.  She's a GROWN UP now.  How did that happen!?  And she's not even 'just a grown-up'.... She is an amazing woman!! Who knows what she wants and just goes out and gets it. Who knows the difference between right and wrong, but also can see the grey. Who is a 'good girl' ....but isn't afraid it be a little bad sometimes! Who is incredibly considerate to the feelings of others. Who is the perfect balance of sassy and sweet.  OK, maybe not really.  Maybe 80% sassy....... Anyhoo... I am going to miss her like crazy.  Last night

I have taken yoga classes in the past.  In full disclosure I have also been pretty much kicked out of yoga classes in the past thanks to my BFF Nicole and my inability to take things seriously and not laugh our asses off at our yoga ineptness. Last week I started taking a class at my gym called BodyFlow.   Here's the "official" description... "BODYFLOW™ is the Yoga, Tai Chi, Pilates workout that builds flexibility and strength and leaves you feeling centered and calm. Controlled breathing, concentration and a carefully structured series of stretches, moves and poses to music create a holistic workout that brings the body into a state of harmony and balance." But this class is different... and these days... so am I! Oh I am still inept.  And grossly uncoordinated.  And I have NO BALANCE WHATSOEVER!  And I still get laughing about it.  But this class is in a dark room so my weeble-wobble self feels almost invisible.  AND it has loud 'non-yogai

I bought this shirt the weekend that I turned my ankle in the Old Port.  I actually bought it AFTER I turned my ankle,  limping through Old Navy's active wear section looking for deals.  Even though my ankle was twice it's normal size and I could barely walk.... I still wholeheartedly believed that I would be starting to run again by the next weekend.... or even by then end of THAT weekend, as I had brought my stuff with me for a picturesque run on the beach.  Yes,  I am a moron who lives in fairy-make-believe-land. Five-ish months later................ I am at the doctor for my yearly physical.  As she is going through the screening I casually mention the ankle thing and how it still kinda hurts and feels weird and is swollen.  She takes a look at it... and then the lecture comes.  Nutshell:  "Worst possible sprain you could have....  May even have broken it... too late to do anything about that now.... you need to get into physical therapy ASAP.... and also you hav

We are going strong on our new way of eating.  There are still some moments days when it feels like we are "on a diet."  But those moments are getting fewer and more far between.  When either one of us has a case of the 'snackies' ...we are supportive and think of alternative snacks or activites, OR we daydream out loud about Saturday night's cheat meal :-)  Tomorrow marks 5 weeks that we have been eating this way and we both are feeling fantastic and losing weight!  (Of course, being a man... Lonnie is basically melting away like a snowman in July, and I am... well.... not losing quite as quickly.  lol) We are leaning heavily towards a Paleo lifestyle...  while also watching carbs.  Low carb and Paleo kind of go hand-in-hand since Paleo = eating only fruits, veggies, meats, nuts and seeds.  But dairy is a Paleo no-no... and I am not sure I ever want to give up dairy... and by dairy I mean cheese.    I am eating barely any carbs that don't come from fruits a

I think I may be addicted to change.  The second I start to feel like things could possibly be getting stale.... dull.... boring.... I must shake things up a bit!  What's been on the change docket lately? 1. Almost 4 weeks ago Lonnie and I stopped eating processed food and started limiting carbohydrates, except on Saturday nights!  The pictures of me on Jessi's graduation day were a harsh, harsh slap in the face that I was out of control.  So now I am back in the driver's seat, and this car is in high gear!  Some amazing things have happened since I made this change!!  My restless legs syndrome is all but gone.  I had started taking gabapentin as it was interfering with my sleep and life in general, but a couple weeks ago, I forgot it one night, then forgot it again the next night and a week later, realized.... I AM NOT WIGGLY!  I have NO idea what it is that stopped the wiggles.  Was it sugar?  Wheat? Wine?  Who fucking knows???  Oh yeah... I've lost 10 pounds too,

"OK... 30 more minutes til it's time to go...."  "OK.... 15 more minutes...."  "OK..... let's go!" "HELLO!?? .... I am not kidding... Get out of the water."  "I am not playing, If you aren't out of that water by the time I count to 3....." Those days are done. It appears I am entering yet another new phase in life.  A phase where I am spending less time... ok NO time... making sammiches and kissing boo-boos, and more time figuring out what to do with all this time!  Jessi has graduated high school, and spends all her time working or with her friends... and VERY soon will not even be living here :-O  Sean goes to visit his Dad 3 weekends a month, and even when he IS home, he is pretty much sequestered in his room, aka 'Electronic Wonderland,' unless we can entice him with something more exciting and fun. So that leaves Lonnie and I with most of our weekends free to do... whatever!  This past weekend my buddy K

She freakin' went and grew up on me.  Without my consent, mind you.  Just freakin' did it.  I know EVERYONE says this, but I honestly do not know where the time went!  It seems like just yesterday she was 3 years old dressed up in the thousandth princess costume of the day asking me for more teddy grahams. NOW.... she is a confident, strong, sassy, sweet, intelligent, young woman who not only knows what she wants-- when she wants it-- but also strong enough to know and admit when she DOESN'T know what she wants!  I am super proud of her and excited to see where this next journey takes her.  Today, her major is Health Sciences, which is USM's version of Pre-Med.  I don't know if she will really ride this "I wanna be a doctor" train all the way to the station, but it will sure be a fun ride ;-) It's going to be soooooo weird when she leaves.  Sean said at dinner to Lonnie and I the other night, "It's going to be weird soon when I become an

Alternate title: I need a freakin' hobby! My new job is a very unique creature.  I suddenly have the luxury of BUCKETS of free time.  Alone time.  Me time. Time which I, for the most part, have no clue what to do with. I work 12 hour shifts.  I work Tuesdays, Wednesdays, and Friday overnight.  But these "12 hour shifts" are actually just me being 'on-call' for people having mental health crisis episodes.  If there are no crisis-ey things happening, I am just out living my life, doing whatever I want. How it works: I get a call from a person at the Crisis Hotline saying that they have been talking with someone who needs someone to meet with them.  I call the person, and then I either go meet with them someplace, or just the phone call with me was enough to get them through.  We also do the mental health evaluations for St. Joseph's Hospital.  So if someone comes to the ER feeling suicidal, or having attempted suicide, they call us to come meet with the

So as any reader around here knows, I read a couple books this past fall that changed my thinking about my relationship with food. These couple books made it sound SO easy to just "Eat when you're hungry... Stop when you're full!" Which makes complete sense. These books also all preach... NEVER diet again!  NEVER get on a scale! NEVER count calories! My life has changed since reading those books and I will use a lot of the tools for the rest of my life.  My biggest take-always that I still use every day... Checking in with myself to see WHY I am eating.  Am I actually hungry or am I anxious, bored, sad, angry.......  I have learned that boredom/droned-on-the-couch-in-front-of-tv eating is my biggest problem area.  And while I still eat when I am not hungry... I at least take a minute to recognize what I am doing and why... and then make a CONSCIOUS CHOICE to do it anyway.  I am no longer a mindless eating factory. The scale.  I have been on the scale O

We finally pulled the trigger after months of going back and forth about bringing a new dog into the family.  Her name is Luna and she is an 8 week old Golden Retriever.  I have kinda always wanted a Golden, and I LOVE my Mom's Golden, but honestly a Golden would not have been my first choice.  BUT..... I am in a relationship now that actually requires me to compromise, rather than 'do whatever I want and who gives a shit what you think.' Lonnie has never had a big dog before and was concerned about my first choice, a German Shepherd, being more for an experienced dog owner.  Then he saw a lady jogging with a 6 month old Golden pup and that was it.... I knew we would be getting a Golden ;-) One of the major contributing factors to our decision was Sean.  It's no secret that he has been having a rough time since the divorce and missing his dogs that stayed with Rick has been a constant source of pain for him.  Jessi and Sean have always been playmates and Jessi is home

5 days.  Which honestly, I can say I am proud of because I accomplished some cool goals! I no longer am a slave to caffeine.  None.  Nada.   I really did 'reset' my brain somehow and am back to focusing on eating only when I am hungry and not mindlessly snacking. My sugar cravings dramatically decreased. I stopped using artificial sweeteners.  I never used to drink water without a shot of one of those little kool-aid guys   My clothes feel more comfortable, so I know I lost a little weight! So why did I quit? BECAUSE IT SUCKED!!!  I was sooooo hungry all the time.  And while I believe feeling that physical hunger is what helped reboot my brain back into recognizing that feeling and not eating if I am not feeling that..... it suuuuucked.  My stomach was growling all the time.  I was also EXHAUSTED.  I had to take a nap EVERY DAY that I was on that diet.  I felt like a total knob yawning in the face of my new co-workers.  It also sucked for my family, who were a

Crazy times around here lately with busy kids, changing jobs--and losing who I mistakenly thought was a very close friend, in the process, getting engaged, adding some new pets to the family (more on that later!), having a severely sprained ankle for a month now and am still walking with a limp, and there is just something about changing Seasons that makes me feel "busy." But I finally feel like I can stop and breathe.  I finally feel like I really "have" my new job and it wasn't all just a trick.  A rug that was going to be swept out from underneath me leaving me jobless and thoroughly fucked.  And not in a good way.  I am neurotic.  I know this.  I also finally understand where my neurosis comes from and am hoping this means I can start becoming a teensy bit more confident in who I am.  I would never want to be "fixed" ....I mean how boring would THAT be?  ;-) I feel like I started holding my breath YEARS ago at my job.  I loved the work I was do

So.... I somehow let my buddy Karyn talk me into doing this  ----> Dr Oz 2 week Detox   We wanted to stay connected even though I have left my job at EAAA for a new job at CHCS.  And also we are both in need of a good healthy kick in the ass and Karyn decided this was just the way to do it.  I then recruited Jessi into this whole mess because I am evil like that.  OK... not really.  I actually only mentioned it to her and she was ALL OVER IT because she has had a really hard time staying off the gluten... which is very, very bad for her and causes her constant stomach pain, severe acne, and an overall feeling of yuckiness.  So she is going to use this plan as a way to flush her system of gluten and get a fresh start on things. So far so good.  (Granted, its 10:54am and today is day one LOL)  I even horked down the morning smoothie with a half a BANANA (GAG GAG GAG) in it, and I have to admit.... It wasn't actually that bad! I am going to blog like a motherfucker while on

I had my 40th birthday!!  Yeah buddy!!  There have been past birthday 'milestones' that I was just miserable about, but for some reason, this birthday, this birthday we are "supposed" to be miserable about, I am perfectly content with.  Embracing it actually!!  Happy to have learned lots of shit up til now that I can put into use for however much longer I have on this planet :)  (Hopefully at least another 40 years!) And that 'shit I've learned......' Grace, 'letting shit go', forgiveness, 'not having control over anyone but myself' ....well I am practicing it in SPADES lately and it feels awesome to finally feel in control of myself and not like a hot mess ;-) And there is MORE big news!!  Lonnie asked me to marry him last weekend when he took be away to celebrate my birthday and I SAID YES!!  (Shocker... right?  lol)  I new it was coming at some point, since I did help choose my ring,  but yet somehow I was still surprised  we

Whoa.  I saw this on Pinterest this morning and was all.... "DAMNIT... I've MATURED!???  Who wants to be MATURE!!??"  LOL  ....but alas.  It happened and I didn't even know it. Things at work have been a bit on the rough side lately... this past week in particular, and I have shockingly taken it all in stride.  In fact, during the worst of it, I was able to "check myself before I wrecked myself" ;-)  I also spent a lot more time thinking about the fact that other people have their own shit... and not everything is about me... and guess what!?  I CAN'T CONTROL EVERYTHING AND EVERYONE!!!  I have been working on mastering this since the divorce, and honestly.  I think I am there!  I CAN'T control anyone but me.  And that's GREAT because it means that I also am not responsible for every bad thing that happens in the universe ;-) I have decided to ride this maturity wave like a champ.  I turn 40 this year and I am totally cool with that!  40 is

We have been going back-and-forth about this one for MONTHS now!  A couple weeks ago we even were in contact with a Golden Retriever breeder and were going to go that weekend to pick up a pup.  ....But the breeder was a little weird and over-eager and frankly kind of obnoxious, so I got cold feet and we decided to wait until spring.  Another reason I got cold feet was that once I had made the decision to pull the trigger and get a puppy.  I immediately was like... "Whoa.... this is my last day of freedom.  Do I really want to walk a dog in 3 feet of snow?  In the Rain?  In 1 degree?"  So for about two weeks I was in nope-I-don't-want-a-dog mode.  And now that has worn off again and I am once again suffering from puppy fever. So since blogging has helped me in the past to cut through my cluttered mind.... here we go! Reasons I want a dog: I want a dog to walk/run with me. Having a dog that I 'have to walk' is motivating to get me off my ass I want a dog

Feeling like a slug.  I haven't even gone to the gym at all this week. Maine is just so gross this time of year.  All I want to do is snuggle and be cozy and sleepy.  I believe there are those that call it "SAD: seasonal affective disorder" ....but I put that in the same category with my RLS.  Except even less so since while I am NOT doing so.... there are plenty of things I COULD be doing to make the blues disappear... like take care of myself and NOT spend the afternoon on the couch eating doritos (Which I totally justified by "putting them in a bowl" and not eating out of the bag.) while watching 36 episodes of 'Say Yes to the Dress' and 'Something Borrowed, Something New. ' I am actually not beating myself up about it though, which is a change.  I know I am in a little rut... and I know that it will pass.  I can actually already feel it passing since last night I was drawn to lots of healthy recipes on Pinterest that I can't wait to

I haven't been feeling the whole "eat only when you are hungry and only at the table" thing this week.  ...and honestly, even though I have "pretty much" forced myself to comply... I feel yucky and bloaty and fat.  And actually... as I thought about what "pretty much" meant, and thought about all the times I ate on the couch and ate when I was hungry.  I am kidding myself about the "pretty much" thing.  I am off the rails!!  I even bought a box of cheez its.  I have had literally NO DESIRE to eat cheez its since I started this 'eat whatever you want and whatever you love the most' journey, which acutally shocked me because I thought they were my FAVORITE!!  Turns out... they are just something that I turn to when I am feelingsy and want to zone out and mindlessly snack on the couch in front of the tv.  Other than that time, I don't ever want them. So now I have to figure out WHY.  I was blaming it all on "that time of the

About a month ago Lonnie and I had a long talk and agreed it would be to part ways …..when it came to exercise.  (gotcha!  lol) While reading “the books,” I obviously did a LOT of reflecting on my thoughts and behaviors.  One of the things I thought a lot about was exercise.  I used to do it.  A Lot.  I loved to go for a run and my body showed it!  Why was I so motivated then?  Why am I so NOT motivated now? One of the conclusions that I came to was that while Lonnie and I are really supportive of each other in trying to life healthy lives, we are also really good at sabotaging each other at the same time.  We like different types of exercise.  We like to exercise at different times.  But we felt like we were a TEAM …and teams stick together! I can’t even COUNT the times when I felt like going for a run, or a walk, but he was at work, so I decided to wait for him to come with me (TEAM!), and then it didn’t happen.  I can’t even count the times that he would suggest that we

It's been probably a couple months since I began what I have now learned is called "intuitive eating."  So much has just become second nature and I still stop sometimes and stun myself thinking about how I "used to be." I have been sick with a nasty, nasty cold for about a week now, and many days my appetitite was just non-existent.  This will probably sound weird to you, but that has never happened.  In the past when I have been sick, I would spend the day on the couch snacking and vegging and watching tv.  I can clearly see now that I was eating to make myself feel better, and just would keep snacking because... 1. While snacking, the food tastes yummy and that DOES take my mind off the cold, i.e. "Makes me feel better."  2.  Once the snack is gone, I am reminded how crappy I feel... So... Have another snack, but a different one this time because now I need something sweet... Or salty... Or creamy... Because as we all know... Or in my case anyway, ju