Constant Commentary

Last week I heard a Dr. Laura call from a woman who was unable to make decisions or choices.  After much discussion it was established that "So you lost your childhood and now you are trying to get it back every day by not making decisions and forcing other's to make decisions for you.  'Child' you didn't feel protected and cared for, and 'adult' you is making up for it by forcing others to care for you.... make decisions for you, basically treat you like the child that you never got to be."  My mind was 3/4s blown, with parallels still running through my mind almost a week later. The FULL BLOW came while Lonnie and I were shopping at BJs (haha!).  I noticed the iced tea drink mix stuff and confessed to Lonnie that as a kid I used to sneak into the kitchen put some of the powder in a cup, make a paste out of it with water, and take it back up to my room and slowly savor revel in the joy of every little spoonful.  My mouth is actually...

Boston aquarium and an excuse to show of my man's sexy arm ;-) It happens.  September arrived, and with it a flurry of activity and emotions.  We started our new fall work schedules (a new schedule that  I LOVE, but was a big change nonetheless), Jessi headed back to UMaine, Sean started 8th grade, Mom came for a surprise visit, we went on our long-awaited long weekend to Boston........ etc etc etc..... All were WONDERFUL excuses to not count points and stick to Weight Watchers.  I CAN proudly say that I have continued to exercise!  Yay me! But now I am at a crossroads of sorts.  I am not feeling WW at all.  I have considered going back to low-carb for awhile.  But honestly.... as of this moment.  I am just feeling sticking to exercise and trying to be more mindful about what I stuff in my face and why I am doing said stuffing. Speaking of WHY....  Nicole (bff) and I were talking about all my yearly autumn drama Nicole: Why AR...

What a waste I trying to learn to teach my brain, belly, and mouth to slow their roll.  Settle down.  Be happy with less. I also know that I must keep all three happy while doing so, or there will be a REVOLUTION! It's a delicate balance. Yesterday Lonnie, Jessi, the pups and I had a simply marvelous day on the coast.  We beached.  We laked.  We downtown Bar Harbored.  Before we left, Lonnie and I even made going for a run a priority.  Yay us! Jessi and I doing some sick cheerleader moves at Long Pond As I knew I had plenty of activity points for the day, and I hadn't eaten much, I decided that this day deserved to be topped off with a little ice cream!   .....then I saw the adorable little cupcake shop with case full of beautiful, delicious looking cupcakes of happiness.  ( as an aside.... I have been obsessed with cupcakes lately anyway because I have been watching 'Cupcake Wars' on netflix... which honestly, may...

Sean had a timeline project a couple weeks ago and he and I went through my blog together ( my old blog and this new one) to gather photos to add to the timeline and to refresh our memories about exact dates of events.  It was quite an afternoon of reminiscing, the good stuff (vacations, shooting his first deer, new puppies!), and the not-so-good stuff (deaths, divorce, moves).  One thing I have mixed feelings about is my never-ending weight loss struggle.  One the one hand, it's YAY FOR ME...I never give up!!  But on the other hand, I am the basically the same as I was when I started blogging in 2006, so all the diets, exercise, etc. really did.... well... nothing?  Thaaaaat's kind of depressing. BUT..... My body and my mind just feel so much better when I am sticking to a low carb diet.  I feel in control of things.  I don't ever feel bloaty.  I feel lighter.  I don't binge.  I eat when I am hungry... and am more cognizant of w...

Feeling like a slug.  I haven't even gone to the gym at all this week. Maine is just so gross this time of year.  All I want to do is snuggle and be cozy and sleepy.  I believe there are those that call it "SAD: seasonal affective disorder" ....but I put that in the same category with my RLS.  Except even less so since while I am NOT doing so.... there are plenty of things I COULD be doing to make the blues disappear... like take care of myself and NOT spend the afternoon on the couch eating doritos (Which I totally justified by "putting them in a bowl" and not eating out of the bag.) while watching 36 episodes of 'Say Yes to the Dress' and 'Something Borrowed, Something New. ' I am actually not beating myself up about it though, which is a change.  I know I am in a little rut... and I know that it will pass.  I can actually already feel it passing since last night I was drawn to lots of healthy recipes on Pinterest that I can't wait to ...

I haven't been feeling the whole "eat only when you are hungry and only at the table" thing this week.  ...and honestly, even though I have "pretty much" forced myself to comply... I feel yucky and bloaty and fat.  And actually... as I thought about what "pretty much" meant, and thought about all the times I ate on the couch and ate when I was hungry.  I am kidding myself about the "pretty much" thing.  I am off the rails!!  I even bought a box of cheez its.  I have had literally NO DESIRE to eat cheez its since I started this 'eat whatever you want and whatever you love the most' journey, which acutally shocked me because I thought they were my FAVORITE!!  Turns out... they are just something that I turn to when I am feelingsy and want to zone out and mindlessly snack on the couch in front of the tv.  Other than that time, I don't ever want them. So now I have to figure out WHY.  I was blaming it all on "that time of the...

It's been probably a couple months since I began what I have now learned is called "intuitive eating."  So much has just become second nature and I still stop sometimes and stun myself thinking about how I "used to be." I have been sick with a nasty, nasty cold for about a week now, and many days my appetitite was just non-existent.  This will probably sound weird to you, but that has never happened.  In the past when I have been sick, I would spend the day on the couch snacking and vegging and watching tv.  I can clearly see now that I was eating to make myself feel better, and just would keep snacking because... 1. While snacking, the food tastes yummy and that DOES take my mind off the cold, i.e. "Makes me feel better."  2.  Once the snack is gone, I am reminded how crappy I feel... So... Have another snack, but a different one this time because now I need something sweet... Or salty... Or creamy... Because as we all know... Or in my case anyway, ju...

Google made this little slideshow for me and it popped up on my phone yesterday and I just thought it was too neat and a great representation of 2013 :) 2013 was a great year.  Lots of changes and I feel like my little family is growing up... fast!  I learned a lot about myself and who I am and who I want to be.... and am working to make those two be the same person ;-) 2014 I expect more of the same. Some of my goals for the year.... I will keep on working on my healing my body and my soul from all the years of damage and neglect.   I will be on my little Sean and his schooling like white on rice.  Look out, kid... Mommy is on a mission!!! I will try not to end up in the psych ward when Jessi graduates high school in June and then goes off to college in August. I will use my twitter as a 'gratitude and celebration journal.'  I like twitter and visit it daily... I have just never been sure how I wanted to use it. I will continue this blog, and blog...

When I don't blog for awhile... it usually means I have fallen off the wagon.  But since I started this whole "Hunger Directed Eating" thing... there is no wagon to fall from.  No wagon.  None.  I feel like a giant weight has been lifted from my soul.  I realize that sounds incredibly dramatic.... but this IS incredibly dramatic. I have actually FORGOTTEN about my favorite foods that was were in the fridge.  The leftover potato salad (my FAVORITE!) is NOT sitting in the fridge there CALLING, no... SCREAMING, my name... while I fight with all my might to ignore the screams ...until I can fight no more and go have one more bowl full... even though I am not in the least bit physiologically hungry.  That potato salad now sits there quietly, waiting for me, and I will only eat it if I am hungry AND want that more than anything else. I am not worrying that someone else will eat it and it will be gone... or it will go bad and I won't be able to eat it...

Eat when you are hungry and stop when you are full.  WHO KNEW!!!!???  It sounds SO DUMB that I DIDN'T trust my own body to let me know when it needed food and when it needed something else. Today a co-worker who had been on vacation since the week before Thanksgiving came back today and said "Wow!  Are you losing weight?  I can really see it in your face."  Yeah BUUUUUDDY!!! I feel slimmer, and I feel better about myself.  I have NO CLUE "how much" weight I have lost and I don't care to know.  I refuse to ever again let a tiny little electric box tell me how I should feel about myself.  I can't even TELL you how many times I was feeling AWESOME about a diet, only to step on the scale, see the number had not changed-- or worse, had gone UP... and watched every ounce of that AWESOMENESS be immediately sucked out of me... which then led to 'Oh well... this isn't working and there is a box of cheez its and a pint of Ben and Jerry's out ther...