Constant Commentary

Actually... fun fact: The Sahara is wet compared to some places in the world! Source: Planet Earth/Blue Planet/7 Worlds 1 Planet documentary obsession. It's January 21st and dry January is going swimmingly- all KINDS of water for swimming! I don't have a drinking "problem," BUT I have learned that I do use drinking as a de-stressor and fun enhancer and that's something I'd like to work on a bit. A few months ago I listened to a podcast episode," Augmenting Positive Emotions  and it was all about how we use drinking (and eating), as emotion enhancers and I had never thought about that before. We feel a positive emotion and have trained our brains to immediately seek an additional dopamine hit from something like sugar or alcohol to augment and enhance that positive emotion. She used a great example of sitting on a porch on vacation watching a gorgeous sunset and thinking about how it would be even nicer with a glass of wine. I chose to participate in...

Today marks 1 month since Jessi flew the coop.  Not-gonna-lie, that first week was ROUGH!  There was a lot of crying, sulking, pouting, moping.....  you get the idea.  Since then, I have been ok, we text every day, and she is still including me in knowing stuff about her life.  Less stuff.  But stuff.  This is what she needed, to get away from my influence, Maine, and whatever else, and to have a chance to figure out what she wants and who she is with no distractions.  So... during the day.  I am fine.  Yes, there are some songs that come on the radio or things I see that bring on that sting in the eyes.... but I recover quickly ;-)  Being focused on house stuff, weekend adventures, and fitness, has been a huge help to avoid emotional eating or wallowing in my own self-pity. The last goodbye tackle During the day. It's the weirdo nighttime shit that is disconcerting . A few nights a week I have Jessi dreams where I am cr...

The goal of these Facebook challenges is to have bettered yourself in some way by the end of the 21 days.  It's also based on the theory that it takes 21 days to make a habit.  Every day you get 1 point for an exercise photo and 1 point for a healthy eating photo, and every point is an entry for a drawing and a t-shirt.  I won a t-shirt last month!! WINNING!! Last week was a break from the challenges for the holiday, but it wasn't a break for me!  Lonnie has finally jumped on board with me and we kissed sugar goodbye last Sunday.  Honestly, for some reason it hasn't even been that hard.  And it is AMAZING the changes that happen so quickly when junk food and sugar aren't in my system... I feel thinner and lighter within a couple days.   My mental clarity and focus improve right away.  Which was AWESOME because it allowed me to get COMPLETELY caught up in my coursework. Having that hanging over my head was really bothering me. I actua...

As I watch the second of our 2 cars being hauled off by a tow truck--both this morning, I thought myself, "WELL FUCK JULY SO FAR!"  Then I remembered my mom saying in an email the other day, "Blog, girl, blog.  It's cheaper than psychotherapy " So... July started with my baby moving 12 hours away, and not-at-all in the way we had planned.  The plan was to load her and her friend up in a moving truck, and wave goodbye as they drove off into the horizon.  Then her friend decided she couldn't go for 2 more weeks, which threw Jessi (and the rest of us) in turmoil over whether or not to go or wait.  From a place of strength and determination, and despite being terrified,  Jessi decided just to go on her own.  ....which was great except we had to figure out how to get her, and at least SOME of her stuff there. After lots of discussion, we ended up buying her a plane ticket from Boston.  We would drive her down, stay one night down there with her, pu...

So I finished another 3 week challenge.  I did not finish very strong, kinda let the ole PMS derail things.  I also have been under-the-weather the past few days with either the flu or lyme disease. Fantastic. ANYWAY.... I am still off soda.  I don't even miss it anymore. I am am loving water! I am starting to actually enjoy exercise again... (well except for the past couple days) BUT.... I went to the doctor today (see above), and got weighed.  It was bad. Really bad. Makes me feel like all these great changes have been for nothing and that sucks.  It's not like I don't know why though.  I have been eating a lot of shit.  That dam convenience store down the road is the bane of my existence.  Especially since I am Mrs. Eatsmyfeelings and I am having a lot of feelings to eat lately! My plan.  Give myself a break until Jessi heads to Richmond at the end of the week, then it's FUCKING ON!  NO more convenience store. Continuing...

Roadrunner back in action Today I cried in my staff meeting.  Like a moron.  One of my coworkers talked about her daughter turning 18 and their great relationship and how she knows she will move out soon, but since they are so close she will see her all the time. All I could think about was Jessi's impending departure.  I've actually been cool with it lately and thought I was over the hump.  I guess that's not a thing.  Typing this now I realize I am totally full of shit.  Just last night we were looking at upcoming movie trailers and I was deep breathing and fighting tears because Lonnie, Jessi, and I watch EVERY horror movie that comes out... even the dumb ones like Unfriended.  (OMG so... so.... bad) Once I got home, I continued to feel "on the verge," then Sean and his shenanigans pissed me off and my brain just frantically racing that it needed something, Lonnie to come home? a glass of wine? candy? A cry myself to sleep then nap?...

We have an exciting new trip on the very distant horizon.  We are all super excited about it!!  And then..... WA WA WAAAAA I start researching our little mini-trip adventures and one of the ones that I am most excited about has a weight limit.  And I am 50 pounds over.  That is a lot of weight to lose.  FORTUNATELY, I have eleven months to do it.  UNFORTUNATELY, based on past experience, I lack confidence that I can do this. I took the weekend to wallow in self-pity.  Then we went for a walk in the city forest, and I realized just how out-of-shape I am, and so then I wallowed in self-pity some more.  Not quite done with the wallowing, but tomorrow I plan to SPRING out of bed and get a good walk in before work.  Putting couch25k on the back-burner for now and am just going to walk walk walk walk walk walk........ 50 pounds to go......

Instead if the "weekly shows nothing selfie, Here is one that actually does show something. And you know what?  I don't even hate it. We've taken a few days off.  Not completely off, but a bit relaxed.  We had some cake for Sean's birthday.  And Sean requested birthday lasagna as well.  Damn my lasagna is good.  I did do some little things to create the illusion of control ...like make a smaller pan of lasagna.  And other than those things over the weekend, I stayed away from sugar. Including that Easter candy that continues to linger around the house. Then yesterday I continued to be "off it" a bit.  I had a busy day and not-gonna-lie, the second I went out the door, I knew I was going to use my business as an excuse to have my favorite McDonald's meal ---even though I easily could have made a better choice.  Verruca (and Ms. PMS) wanted it.... and Colleen gave in.  Then when I got home from work, there were 2 pieces of cake lef...

Weekly coffee selfie... new diningroom location! It was a long day but I made it through.  Lonnie and I both came close to giving in when Sean came home with so, so much candy and was like a crack dealer trying to share it with us.  But we stood strong.   I kept thinking, "Well it's not like I am not going to have sugar at some point, why not on a holiday?"  and wondering if perhaps this torturing myself was just hollowing out a hole in my brain and I am eventually just going to go batshit crazy and EAT ALL THE THINGS to attempt to fill it up.  the funny thing is, at one point Lonnie said, "Just go ahead, pick like 4 pieces and keep it to that." :::insert spoiled voice::: I don't WANT 4 stupid pieces.  I want 104. I couldn't even think of which 4 I would choose, honestly, none of them appealed to me-- which told me that it wasn't really the candy itself that I wanted , it was Veruca (that spoiled little girl!), being told no and throwing a...

Haha what a terrible pic Just wrapped up day 2 of no sugar!  It feels SO satisfying to be back on track.  We were off the rails hard, and I felt completely out of control.  Last time we did this, Lonnie was completely on board and supportive, but he struggled because he was really doing it as a 'solidarity' type of thing.  On Sunday,  he decided to watch the movie "Fed Up" and then we watched "That Sugar Film" together.  I could never convince him to watch it last time because one of his pet peeves is my love of reading articles and watching movies that result in my wanting to change our entire lives ;-)  The two movies together were more than enough to inspire us to kick the sugar bullshit and start feeling great again! My toughest days are Monday and Tuesday as I am busy busy busy with work, and now grad school stuff now on top of that, but I made it through like a champ with NO EXCUSES!!

Remember when I said that when coming back from vacation it would be hard to get back "on it."  Holy Shit-- has is ever!?? I'm a mess. I can blame that I just started grad school. I can blame that my work schedule has just changed. I can blame... well... it's winter.... it's this... it's that..... blah blah blah None of those excuses are actual things that have prevented me from eating well.  None of them.  What HAS prevented me from eating well.  I don't want to.  I don't feel like it. I don't want to plan.  I don't want o grocery shop I feel gross.  I feel bloaty and fat and my clothes feel tight.  Lonnie has gained weight too, and because he only gains weight in his belly, it shows quickly and makes him feel gross.  We need to get our shit together.  ASAP. How do you get that driven feeling back once it disappears!!??  I don't even want to grocery shop for the "good healthy foods" because well.... probably because part of me kn...

Today as I slid on my jeans for work...  I was actually planning on probably having to slide them back off again because they were too tight.   NOPE!  If anything,  they were looser!  As planned,  while in Mexico,  I ate and drank everything I wanted to.  Fortunately,  that is a LOT of great fresh Mexican food!  I never really eat junk food in Mexico because it's all just weird stuff.   Even if I am feeling snacky,  and go into a corner store,  I almost always come out empty handed because 1. I don't know what anything is and 2. None of it looks appetizing to me.  My downfall was traveling home.  I am VERY CAREFUL about what I eat around plane trips for fear of a repeat of the puking incident,  but once we got back in Boston ...and ended up stranded there for 2 days (thank you American Airlines for losing the one bag with our car keys in it).  I must admit,  all bets were off....

Yesterday and today have been Hellacious work days.   I had to get gas today because I was on 'E. ' I also had to get gas YESTERDAY because I was on 'E. ' I've been everywhere man.  <--sing that By the end of today I was... AM (still on the clock til midnight) EXHAUSTED.   I was soooo tempted to swing into McDonald's emotionally AND HUNGERALLY, BUT I resisted.   And I had help holding out til I got home thanks to an awesome text husband letting me know that he had cooked a Frittata and had it ready and waiting for me to come home.   So OF COURSE I wasn't going to eat and ruin my appetite and his efforts to help me stay on track!  Another victory.... I felt like a cup of tea (Sugar Cookie Sleigh Ride is MY JAM!) to warm me up emotionally AND hungerally ;)   And I actually thought to myself,  "Well I don't want to get my blood sugar all up right before bed."  Who the hell AM I!? SO...  I enjoyed my tea without ...

Thinking I will be back to daily this week because I feel like I am faltering a bit.  And while I KNOW and can FEEL that this is PMS related---  It appears knowing is not actually half the battle when you still stuff a pizza into your gob anyway. New gym pants from Lane Bryant The good: Olive Garden dressing--- basically candy. -On Friday I got up and went to the gym all on my own... all alone! And lifted weights like a beast!! -Went to Olive Garden with Jessi yesterday, and while I did have some stuff I shouldn't have, a few risotto rice balls, chicken gnocchi soup, and lots of salad (you know that dressing is terrible for you, right-- it'll full of sugar!! ), I passed on breadsticks, and I stuck to one small bowl of soup-- and I didn't finish it. Oh yeah I had a berry Sangria too ;-)  More sugar, but SO yummy! -I got some AWESOME new gym pants from Lane Bryant. I usually only shop there for bras and undies, I have never really liked the way their clothes fit.  The...

Luna looks on in the kitchen as the crazy lady takes a yoga selfie I can't believe that I am on day 30 and still going strong!  I guess since it's been a month now, I should do a little run-down of changes that I have or have not noticed. Things that have not changed.... I am still fat.  (I shouldn't say things like that, I know.... positive self talk... blah blah blah....) I still have a LOT of bags of clothes that are waiting for me to be smaller so that I can wear them. I cannot run 3 miles without walking at all. I still do not go to the gym or exercise as much as I would like to I still love Justin Bieber And One Direction. Things that HAVE changed.... I have LESS fat on my body. The button on my jeans is not standing on the ledge threatening to of jump from the pressure it's under. I can wear some of the clothes that I had not been wearing because they didn't fit properply. I can run/walk in 1 minute intervals easily for 15 minutes (and surely more than that, ...

Today is a holiday for the kids, not for me.  So as I am on-call, I just said goodbye to them as they headed off TO THE GYM TOGETHER!! GOOD LORD I DID SOMETHING RIGHT!!! Monday selfie- coffee happened much earlier on the road! The weekend was very blah, but also very YAY!  On Saturday Lonnie was gone all day at a coughcoughgamingconventioncoughcough.  I knew that he would eat "off plan" since he was out all day, so as I drove to the grocery store I gave myself permission to also have a little treat/splurge.  I thought ALL the way there about what I have really missed and really would like and came up with NOTHING.  My old favorite sweet treats like cake... ice cream... candy.... no thanks, the thought of them just made me feel a little sick to my stomach.  (You know... like that feeling you have after eating too many pancakes and then someone offers you a cinnamon bun?)  So no sweets.  Ooooh!  How about chips?  Cheez-its (my lifelone nem...

15 steps foward and 1 step back is still 14 steps forward! I planned like a fiend for my possibly busy Monday.  I made a chopped salad and brought it with me to the office to eat before or between clients. I did NOT plan for finishing up with a client that took 4 hours, and then being sent in a 'no-time-to-sit-and-eat-your-salad' rush to meet with a bunch more clients at a hospital an hour away. So I left my salad in the fridge for today.   And I got Mcdonald's.  I could easily have made a better choice by picking up some nuts and fruit or veggies at the store and munching those in the car on the way to Dover.  I could have even still made a reasonable choice at McDonald's and kept the carbs low by getting an Egg Mcmuffins and not eating the muffin part, but I didn't do that either.  I got my favorite #2 with the cheesburgers plain.  And it was delicious!  HOWEVER.... I then let it open the floodgates because once at the hospital, one of the docto...

I got on the scale this morning.  Since I haven't been on the scale in a couple months, I have no idea how much I have lost since I started doing this, but I DO know that the number was lower than it was when I was on the scale a couple months ago, so YAY!  I try very hard to stay away from the scale altogether.  I read a book once that talked about being a slave to the scale, and it is SO TRUE.  I could be "ON IT" and feeling great, clothes fitting right, then get on the scale and see a number that is upsetting and BOOM.... no longer feeling great.  Because of a tiny electronic box.  My 20 year old daughter has NO idea what she weighs except when she goes to the doctor.  She thinks scales are stupid.  She just lives her life and eats normally, stops when she is full, and eats what she wants.  I am SO THANKFUL every day that I was able to raise her this way and not pass down my issues.  I worked hard to not ever limit food or make food a...

My weekly Monday morning iced-coffee photo that really illustrates nothing...lol I have a love/hate relationship with Mondays.  I enjoy my job, and Mondays are usually a day where I get to do the stuff I enjoy doing at work (as opposed to my overnight shifts where sometimes I have to do things that I were prefer not to do).  So I look forward to Mondays.  BUT... like anyone else, I hate when the weekend ends! "Sticking to it" this weekend went GREAT!  I had a 1/2 cup of rice in my taco bowl, and we put a little honey in our coconut shrimp batter, but all of those are still whole foods, and we kept it to a minimum, so YAY US!  In the past, we have always had a "cheat day."  This time, since my current goal was is just stick to this for a month, I decided on no cheat days.  This was a little scary.  But you know what I have learned.  Cheat days are BULLSHIT.   Cheat days are just terrible.   Cheat days are wrong.  ...

Winter Zombie It was a cold and blizzardy day yesterday. Got around 8 inches.... and it snowed too!! I never did make it to the gym.  Then I got called to do an awake overnight shift at the children's crisis unit.  UGH.  I did not bring any snacks with me as I was in a rush to get out the door, I probably couldn't have eaten anyway, overnight shifts when I have to stay awake all night make me sick to my stomach and get raging headaches. I DID make a responsible choice when I got home though and had a protein-filled small breakfast before hitting the sack. As I was only able to sleep til around noon, I skipped the gym again today as I am a bit on the zombie side.  I definitely could have gone.  But I didn't.  I just HATE going out in the cold, trudging through the snow, warming up the car, scraping the car, and then getting back into the freezing car after the gym.  I realize this is a ridiculous excuse. I DID, however, stick to watching the carbs and d...